"Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated than that. It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it."

...ok...doubt here...is it that I am merely lazy or that I am verging on the anti-social? maybe that whole going-to-live-alone-in-a-house-full-of-cats is not that far out hey? ...well...how's that saying? better alone than in bad company?? anyway...I think I'd rather keep that in the back of my mind for now and focus on...anything else...although I think this also relates to my neglecting the new possibility that I had never even thought of. I mean, I'm obviously going to take it in the end, somehow I do have to expand my horizons (and besides it's not that there is anything better anyway) and I know I should do it with a more positive attitude but fear and doubt....huge huge enemies that need to be defeated and also, how can one just forget the past? or do you just have to pretend it never happened so you can let go of the bias that it causes on all following opportunities? .....no clue whatsoever....
So...my possible options are: either stressing out to the point of freaking out and definetely losing it, which would eventually lead to nothing for it wouldn't change a thing...OR and as a buddhist would do...just let things flow and see what happens. Somehow the zen option seems to involve less stress...so I guess mentally I should be tuning myself in for the option that even though I'm not THAT excited about, it is certainly the only option.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

OUCH...so some of those precepts really rung a bell...
On the bright side of things yay, I got really good grades :D ...although I so did not deserve that 7..it is not my fault that the woman is not familiar with the real labour of TEACHING!! but so what I got the highest grades in both subjects of literary criticism, a 7 on northamerican lit? who cares :P

La vie d'une flaneure

Ok now I'm an official flaneur et oui la flanerie est mon noveau style du vie!! hehe and well what else...I had NEEDED some rest!! I ended up pretty beat so apparently right now I'm finally coming alive again. Well, what's new...oh yeah my huge dissapointment about me wanting and desiring and dying to go to St.Petesburg...I would say it's even a craving now! it's just that I really really want to go but I don't know what's going to happen, I mean I have the other invitation but the fucked up part is that I'm not that excited about it I mean yeah that's great but ugh....I don't know, I'm really confused about all of this so I will try not to think about it. Also...I have no idea what's going to happen from now on...time to get a real job?? but HOW AND WHERE AND WHAT :s aaaah panicking...well I guess we'll see what happens..in the meantime here's an amazing poem, I'm really looking forward to read a lot of things now that I finally have the time to do so.

Что в имени тебе моем?

Что в имени тебе моем?
Оно умрет, как шум печальный
Волны, плеснувшей в берег дальный.
Как звук ночной в лесу глухом.
Оно на памятном листке
Оставит мертвый след, подобный
Узору надписи надгробной
На непонятном языке.
Что в нем? Забытое давно
В волненьях новых и мятежных,
Твоей душе не даст оно
Воспоминаний чистых, нежных.
Но в день печали, в тишине,
Произнеси его тоскуя;
Скажи: есть память обо мне,
Есть в мире сердце, где живу я...

NOT betraying

OK so as to not betray my older blog here I am posting...you see what happens when you open up other blogs? they expect you to write something in it! sooo today I did that but I will always remain faithful to this one hehe, I've already unloaded so much in here that it's only fair I do so. Well, the good thing is that my friend has actually replied and she didn't seem mad at all, which is great news and apparently she's the reason why I'm going to start writing in my "other" blog hehe wow I'm double blogged who would have thought of it? well...what's new...it's only a week left of being an actual student, which is exciting but at the same time scary..I'm not so sure of it being the actual reason why I feel a bit depressed right now, I just feel that my life is...boring? I don't know, I want new things which somehow I know they're bound to come with this new cycle that is going to start but still, dammit, the thing is that I feel sad. lonely and so on, won't get into much details.

What else...I've been training a lot recently to make up my month and half abscence but it helps me to feel better which is good so I plan to keep that up and..I guess this is it for now :) peace out