Tumult of built emotions

Ok, so lately I've been writing in the livejournal thing just to get a specific someone to read me and hopefully take an interest in me, how pathetic is that?
Things have been...well, using the word weird and harsh would be an understatement. Now that I'm no longer a student and have to set off for the real world, I gotta say things are not precisely easy, I mean, I got my oh my fucking god what the fuck is going to happen from now on crisis, the whole figuring out exactly where do I want to work because the whole idea of having a crappy job, a robotic one, mainly the whole being unhappy thing terrifies me. Honestly, I don't know what to do, but the good thing is that after having been literally moping the floor with depression I have a slightly better attitude right now -or at least I'm trying to-. Cried til I couldn't take it anymore the other day and fortunately there was someone that listened to me and morally helped me, therefore I owe her this upbeating. AFterwards I went to a farewell party, and surprisingly I had a good time and I also bumped into the last people I could have ever thought of, but it wasn't so awkward, just...weird I think. we'll see what happens with that, but to be honest that's the last thing on my mind right now.
To top things off my mom literally had a break down today. Things around the house have not been so easy and I don't know, I feel really guilty for even thinking about this but is wishing for death (not mine I'm not suicidal anymore, I got through that phase a while back :P ) such a bad thing? I mean, it's just so hard seeing that someone's really suffering because of it not happening and the person that causes it is not even aware of it, while I'm just stuck with no idea of what I should do!! It is at times like these that I would really like to have a good job, a life of my own in general, I don't know...just being far away from this, as in actually having a life of my own to worry about, but I guess that is way too selfish and unrealistic of me, which is why I decided that tomorrow I will try to do what I consider would soothe things a bit? but seriously, how do you easy somebody else's pain when it is not physical but emotional and psychological? does doing all the house errands for a day even contribute to soothing them down a bit? I really don't know, but I guess I will have to try, it's better than nothing right?
On other things, what do you do when you realize that you're becoming your mother? as in honestly :S I do see ok some really good things of hers in me but I also see the bad ones, but how do you keep yourself from repeating that pattern? specially when it is the only pattern you have seen for all your life! there is no other point of comparison for me! I am confused, is it good? is it really bad? is thinking I really don't need anybody else in my life really the best option? isn't it and if it isn't then what is the best thing to do? ....probably it is this immense confusion what has led me to write this out on a blog! there's no one to talk to about this, I don't feel like the connection and confidence to talk about this with the few people that surround me and, I don't know, to what point is that my fault as well I am not completely sure of. What sucks even more is that the one person I would really dare to talk to about this does not give a damn in the world, ok maybe not that extreme but does not feel as close to me as I do to her, talk about dissapointment. Maybe it is cultural, maybe it is the lack of communication which is exactly what I've been trying to diminish with that whole posting on the other blog thing but I feel that while I'm really putting an effort on establishing a bigger connection, I am not entirely sure if the other person is even interested in that and just wants to keep yes in touch but not that closely.....I hate this, too many questions unsolved!! too many questions invading my mind and not so many possible solutions to even one of them. Well, I hope that at least writing them down helps to prevent the whole bottling up that eventually leads to breaking down...I think this is pretty much what my life has been all about lately...and honestly, I really hope it gets better soon...as in ASAP...